5/1/2016 (Day 122) Wow...1/3 of the Year is Over Already!

Well, here we are a third of the way through 2016. I know I've said it before, but I will say again that it astounds me how quickly time seems to pass these days. Keeping this blog has made me even more aware of the passing of the year, the milestones and markers we use to count time in our culture. More aware of the moving of the planets and the turning of the wheel of the year. I started this blog clueless to the art of blogging, and not sure of what it is that I was even trying to do here...in many respects I am still unsure of both how and what I am trying to do here. For the most part, I've yet to truly find my voice in my writing and, truth be told, the task of coming up with something every single day has made it feel more like a task I have to do than one that I want to often times. I've also found it challenging to discern how much to talk about myself and my experience here as opposed to sharing insights and info on the happenings of the cosmos and the experiences of the larger human condition. I've done nothing to promote the blog because, with the exception of a few entries, I don't think much of it is worthy of promotion. Writing that makes me feel a little sad, and makes some part of me wish I had the energy to strive to make it worthy of promoting...to make it something people really want to read....to spend the hours needed to write something brilliant and poignant every night.

Writing this blog has often brought me face to face with the Shadow aspect of myself that deals with the concept of being an ''underachiever." This is a label that was placed on me early in life. I remember, as  child, in 4th or 5th grade, being brought to the school psychologist because I was complaining of stomach aches and asking to go to the nurse's office all of the time. There was found to be no underlying physical cause (according to the doctors) so they sent me to the shrink. Anyhow...I remember how much I liked leaving the classroom and going to see the nice man in the quiet office, at the top of the stairs, in the far wing of Sheffield Elementary School once a week. As a result of my visits, I was sent to an office that was above the Garden Theater where I was given a series of tests, by another very nice man. They determined my IQ to be quite a bit above average, and after scoring grades far above my level on several portions of the standardized tests around that same time, it was determined that I was bored and I was given the label of ''underachiever" and told that if I would ''just buckle down" and "work up to my potential'' I could get excellent grades and do very well in school. But they were right, I was bored, and I continued to perform at sub-par right through high school and into my first attempt at college immediately following. It was not until I returned to college when I was pregnant with my daughter in 1989 that discovered that I really was quite smart, as I had been told, and much to my surprise, I was really, really good at being a student once I put my mind to it. I fell in love with being in school, managed to make the Dean's List every semester for all 4 years of my college career, and graduated with honors from both GCC and UMass. For the first time in my life, I felt like I was no longer the ''underachiever,'' I had finally manged to ''live up to my potential," and it felt pretty darned good.

In the meantime, I have been through various different experiences that have challenged my self-worth and self-concept around ''achievement'' and given me a whole different perspective as to what it means to ''achieve my potential."  Thanks to the 7 year journey I took through the Dark Night of my Soul, from 2000-2007, I sort of started back at square 1 (in terms of my worth as an achieving/contributing member of society) after I came out of the Darkness and into the Light. As I said, things look different to me now, and as I continue to strive to free myself of the trappings of my ego, I have let go of many of the preconceived notions of ''success'' and ''achievement'' that once seemed important...the ones that I had been conditioned to believe were important in order to be seen as a worthy member of society. I used to believe that my measure of success had to come from outside of myself...that others had the right to deem me successful in life or not, but in recent years, I have grown to understand that the only true measure of our success comes from within, which has freed me from worrying about what others think of me because only I can determine whether or not I am ''living up to my potential'' as I journey through life and whether or not the world thinks so, is of no consequence to me.

And yet, there is something about facing the writing of this blog that evokes that question within me as to whether or not I am ''living up to my potential'' in my writings here and ''what will the world think of what I have to say." It has me grappling with this thinking once again, and I find it an interesting process to both experience and to witness within myself. There are nights when I think surely it is preposterous to think I could possibly have 366 days worth of things worthy to share with the world...and who the fuck would care anyhow...lol. And, what I have come to realize, is that the bigger part of this experience, for me, is about keeping the commitment to myself to complete this task of writing something every night for the course of the year and I am very grateful to the handful of loyal readers who faithfully follow and sometimes even share what I write. It means a lot to me that I always have at least half a dozen hits every night. Who knows, maybe before the 2nd and 3rd third of the year are over, I will find my voice, get into my groove and start writing more brilliant and poignant entries every night ;) Meanwhile, I'm working on mastering the art of the haiku (how am I doing so far?)...thanks for being here with me though this, and let me know if you have any feedback, suggestions, etc. Much Love and Light to you, my friends <3  







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