2/1/2016 (day 32) Oh my Empath-ness!

You would think that after my bad emapthic experience with the trees and the wood chipper last week, I would be on point with taking care to protect my empath self in vulnerable situations. But the truth is, it's just not always something I realize I need to do until, sometimes, it's too late. Tonight was one of those times. I was very excited to go to Soup and Games Night at Hope and Olive which was a fundraiser for Stone Soup Cafe (a pay what you can cafe that happens, here in my town, every Saturday at which I regularly volunteer). I have never been to Soup and Games Night, so I didn't know what to expect. Which, in retrospect, I realize should have clued me in to the fact that I would have been wise to prepare myself by "suiting up" before I went in. (Note to self...unfamiliar social situation=high risk of emapth mode kicking in...be prepared!) In my usual manner, I had planned to help out when I got there...something I always feel the need to do when I am at a social event like that, which I think may be one of the empath coping skills I developed over the years without realizing it. When I have a task or tasks to focus on in social situations involving lots of people, my ''social anxiety'' (aka emapthic discomfort) is much less. I suspect this is because by focusing on the task(s) at hand I am picking up on less of other people's energies/thoughts/feelings/pain/etc. I believe this is probably a common coping skill for many undiscovered empaths.

When I got to Hope and Olive, it was already a bit chaotic and I instantly felt anxious. And then, as it turns out, there wasn't really anything for me to do right then to help out, and it was still a bit chaotic and...oh shit...there I was, before I knew what had happened (and it still took me a while to realize what was going on) engulfed in that state of overwhelming everythingness that I feel when my emapth mode has been un-intentionally engaged. It's kind of like a PTSD trigger...only different. It's like all of my nerve endings are raw and bare and feeling way to much of everything all at once...and I want to run from the room because I am suddenly so uncomfortable in my being there, and I don't want to try and talk to people and act like I'm having fun, I just want to flee. My palms get sweaty and I feel queasy and anxious. This is when I usually go to the bathroom and hide for a few minutes...instead I try again to find something to do and in the process have a brief conversation in which, still unbeknownst to me, further engages my empathic discomfort. 

And as I am feeling more than ever like I want to just leave, I hear the familiar voice of a friend who, I suspect is a fellow empath, and who's presence I am immediately very grateful for. I still do not know what to expect, as people are still just sort of milling around and setting things up, and my friend...she knows what to expect and that soothes me somehow. That, and I am beginning to suspect that fellow empaths have a soothing effect on one another. So we look for a place to sit and it is packed and we can't find a place and so we decide to sit at the bar and the bartender asks us if we want anything to drink and I blurt out, I'm just trying to get my bearings here, and he looks at me funny, so I feel compelled to explain myself by saying I don't do well in these kind of situations if I don't have a job to do. And he commented on how there were so many volunteers and maybe I should just try to relax. I laugh...I like this guys energy...he's calming too...I start to relax just a little. And then we go to get in line, and again it is chaotic, with people all around me, and my palms begin to sweat again, and I start to feel anxious and I suddenly realize...SHIT...I never suited up before I came here and immediately begin to envision the shiny black of my empath suit coming out of my crown chakra and slowly descending down until it covers my entire body. And as I do, I begin to feel my jangled nerve endings starting to calm, my thoughts beginning to clear

, my mind slowing as I take a deep breath and relax. I shake my head and roll my eyes and laugh at myself for having forgotten, once again, to protect myself in a vulnerable situation. As I ease into the room, devoid of everyone else's thoughts, feelings and sensations for the first time since arriving, I am still not thrilled to be there (maybe due to my empathness, or maybe I just don't like being in crowds all that much...it was really crowded), but I am not crawling out of my skin and I am thankful for my ''trusty emapth suit" and for remembering it and for learning the lesson I did about paying better attention to protecting my empath self in vulnerable situations and hope I will better remember next time. 






<3