1/20/2016 (Day 20) I Don't Feel Broken Anymore

Yesterday, during a conversation I was having with a friend, the topic of ''brokenness'' came up, and before I had a chance to think about it, I had said to him, "I don't feel broken anymore," and as I spoke those words, I knew, deep inside, that my Truth was speaking and, in that moment, I felt gloriously healed and whole as I realized that these were not merely just words that I had said, but what I honestly did feel in the depths of my heart and soul. And I was so incredibly thankful because not that long ago, this wasn't true at all. 

And then, last night, at the Spoken Word open mic, listening to the others read and/or recite their work, I felt that what I'd written and read was mere ''fluff'' in comparison to the depth of some of the work others had shared...I truly admired much of this work and thought to myself that I wanted to go deeper in my own writing...that perhaps I needed to tap back into some of my pain and suffering in order to write some "grittier" stuff. And at that particular moment, my pain and suffering felt very far away and I felt so whole and complete and full of Light that I couldn't imagine how or why I would want to choose to revisit my pain and suffering ever again if I didn't have to. I had spent so many years focused on it...I had fed it and nurtured it and given it all sorts of names...I'd invited it to move in and allowed it to stay for a good long time, because that was what I had been led to believe as my Truth back then. 

In my family, it seemed, the more you had to bitch and complain about, the better. I was taught, early on, to claim my pain and suffering, to own it and broadcast...to whomever would listen, just how much I was suffering. I was taught to hold on for dear life and ride my suffering like it was a bucking bronco. People in my life always got extra attention points for brooding and being miserable because, in my family, it was important to bitch and complain about everything. And boy could I ever bitch and complain and boy did I! So, for most of my life, I unknowingly contributed to my own suffering by constantly focusing on what I didn't want and talking about all the things wrong with myself and my life. 

I've been thinking about all of this today and realizing that the way I fixed my brokenness and put myself back together was by choosing to fearlessly allow myself to look at all the places that I was broken and to feel deeply into and through my pain and suffering and out the other side, into relief...all with the intention of releasing and transmuting it once and for all. And, all the while choosing to focus on everything in my life that was good and positive and practice a state of gratitude. By releasing the hold my past and my upbringing had had on me, I was able to rearrange all of the broken pieces and reconstruct the story of who I AM as I put myself back together and returned to wholeness. I am no longer broken, hallelujah! 

I AM thankful!  
<3