I've known for years that sitting in meditation was suppose to be good for my Spiritual development, health and well being. I'd even tried it a few times over the years. But it never felt quite right to just sit there being perfectly still. In fact, it was usually physically pretty uncomfortable for me to do so. I always enjoyed guided meditation, in which I could lie down and there was something for my mind to focus on. In my daily life I had learned to practice mindfulness and often reached a sort of meditative state while walking. But developing a regular practice of sitting mediation had eluded me my entire life. Despite the fact that just about every book I read on any spiritual topic spoke of the importance of a daily meditation practice, I resisted. I just couldn't get past the discomfort of sitting cross legged on the floor for X amount of minutes a day. In the early 90s I had dislocated my hip in Tae Kwon Do, and as I got older, it became even more difficult to sit cross legged on the floor for any length of time and when I blew my knee out back a few years ago, it literally became impossible to sit that way. I sort of figured I'd missed my window of opportunity to try and conquer my resistance to sitting in meditation.
Now, I realize that there are other ways to sit and meditate, but in addition to the physical discomfort, apparently there was some sort of mental discomfort that caused me to resist as well. I think the fact that I found it so difficult to still my body and my mind at the same time and just sit there, trying to not think, was because my mind was in a constant state of chatter of some sort or another (probably because I didn't meditate...lol), and every time I tried to ''be empty'' I got distracted by some internal or external noise. I simply couldn't figure it out, and to be honest, I didn't really mind it all that much for a long time.
And then I turned 50, and suddenly the thought of never being able to sit cross legged on the floor again kind of bothered me for some reason. I mean, I was in better shape at 50 than I had been when I turned 40 (at which point I'd weighed 100 pounds more and was taking 7 prescription medications daily), but still, I couldn't manage to sit comfortably on the floor and meditate. Once again, I tried but it was just too uncomfortable, despite having almost healed my knee and hip injuries by riding my bike. Abraham often spoke of the importance of meditation, so I decided to begin a daily practice that involved choosing a guided meditation to listed to each morning while lying in my bed...and I enjoyed that very much for a time.
Then one day a while ago, I had a conversation with a friend who told me about a Mindfullness Meditation Circle that happened every week in town, and I began thinking of the possibility of going and checking it out. It took me a few weeks to get up the courage to face my resistance to walk through the door and go, but I was instantly glad that I had because, even though it was challenging for me to sit cross legged on the floor I pushed myself to do so. I had the opportunity to choose to sit in a chair or on the couch, but I specifically decided I wanted to work on sitting, cross legged on the floor in lotus posture. That first sit, I was only able to maintain it for a short amount of time before needing to unfold my legs. There was definitely discomfort, but what came to me, in that first 20 minute sit, was that the discomfort I'd always felt was because I was resisting the practice that my body really needed and would ultimately benefit tremendously from, and if I could sit with the discomfort and get beyond it I would find the key to sitting in meditation.
We sat for 20 minutes, twice that day, and when I left there, I felt an overwhelming sense of clarity and serenity that seemed to instantly prove what I'd been told all along; that meditation would make me feel good. My mind felt sharp with insight and much to my surprise I could still walk afterward and, by the next day, my legs felt kind of amazing. These were subtle but profound changes that seemed to fuel and underlying sense of a deeper well being. The next morning, at home, I could hardly wait to sit and meditate for 20 minutes!
I have since been working to establish a daily practice of sitting for (at least) 20 minutes each morning (I still need to work on the EVERY day thing, but working on it), and I go to the group each week. I find it easier to sit the more I practice and as I work through the resistance, pains in my body seem to release. Today I was able (with the proper meditation pillow...I need to get me one of those) to actually sit cross legged for close to 20 minutes before I had to move compared to not at all a few months ago. It may not sound like much, but after a lifetime of resistance, and that knee injury that had me wondering if I'd ever do so again, learning to sit at 50 feels kind of wonderful.
~Namaste
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